POST # 10: VIOLENCE AT INDORE AND OTHER STORIES

Go to Calcutta, and say Greg Chappell was a better batsman than Saurav Ganguly and you may get away with it. Similarly go to Shivaji Park Maidan in Mumbai and say Sachin Tendulkar is nothing but hype and the youngsters there may forgive you thinking you are Shoaib Akhtar's distant cousin. Even Sharad Pawar's voters in his  Baramati constituency may  not get provoked when you say Harvinder Singh should get the "Indian of the year" award for 2011. But when you mock at Virender Sehwag after getting him out for a blob on the first ball, be sure that he will not make you forget that in the next match. The next ODI at Indore had more violence than a Ram Gopal Varma movie.  Sehwag's 219 off only 147 balls must have made Darren Sammy sing "Goli maar bheje mein...ke bheja shor karta hai". Finally,for the West Indies,  the Nisha Kothari moment came when Sehwag was caught by Roach off Pollard but not before he surpassed Tendulkar's record for the highest ODI score. It seems Chris Gayle described this knock as "Child abuse". Many a cynic argued that Sehwag's innings came against a depleted bowling attack of West Indies and that Sachin's 200 was against a fearsome South African attack and hence Sachin's innings was superior. If that was the case then Shahid Afridi should have scored 400 not out against Canada in the 2011 World Cup.

Impressed by the violence, Ram Gopal Varma has announced a new film " Outdoors at Indore". The script , cast etc are not finalized but an item song is picturised on Nisha Kothari and will be inserted at the time when agitated Gautam Gambhir walks back to the pavilion after being run out by Sehwag. Gambhir's role is likely to be played by Manoj Bajpai.

Harbhajan Singh's lost bag containing a kilogram of ATM and Debit cards, was found by the Haryana Police. His "doosra", however is still missing. Now only if the Haryana police had found his "doosra" and his form, Bhajji would be in the Boxing Day test match.  Soon after the bag was found, the Haryana Police were engaged by the BCCI to find some good fast bowlers in India who do not get injured  at the slightest drop of an Kamran Akmal catch. With guys like Pravin Kumar, Aaron and Ishant getting injured, the position of the Indian cricket team looks grim. With bowlers like Vinay Kumar replacing the injured, the day will not be far when Kapil Dev will have to be recalled, said a selection committee member, emptying down a glassfull. Our source informs us that the real reason for Ishant Sharma's injury was on account of he lifting two bread slices together with one hand  at the dinner table.

Finally it appears that the the day which we all Indians are waiting for with bated breath is nearing. Sachin Tendulkar getting his 100th international century will be a reality this series against Australia. In fact Sachin may even get his first triple hundred or may eclipse Brian Lara's record of 400 in tests or may even get the first 500 in test matches. And it has nothing to with Sachin striking back with a vengeance at  Sehwag for overtaking his highest ODI score. The real  reason is that Greg Chappell has been engaged by Cricket Australia to "demystify" Tendulkar which means he'll baffle his own team first.  Saurav Ganguly not only calls spade a spade but this time went  a step ahead and  called Chappell, "Mad".   Saurav also said that Rahul Dravid didn't have enough courage to oppose Chappell.

Speaking of Dravid, he delivered this year's Sir Donald Bradman oration at Canberra (perhaps the first non Australian to do so). Of course, the first part of his speech was probably not the finest opening knock -  where he spoke about how Indians and Australians fought wars together on the same side and  how in the  World War II, there were Indian and Australian soldiers in El Alamein, North Africa etc, (how we wished this part of the oration was delivered by Ganguly and Harbhajjan together!). Apart from that Rahul Dravid was simply amazing. Remember Kapil Dev holding aloft the Prudential World cup or  Laxman -Dravid, staring at defeat in Calcutta, without a blink, and won the match for India after following on? Or for that matter "the coming of age moment of Indian Cricket" when Ganguly swung his shirt after the Natwest finals or Kumble in Australia saying that there is only one team that plays cricket in the right spirit or Dhoni smashing the six to lift the 2011 World Cup?  Dravid's oration was right up there among those moments which  really make you proud to be an Indian. Among other things, Dravid  rooted for day and night test matches. There's a lot of excitement for this proposal from Dravid.   All the Insomnia patients have  welcomed this suggestion.   Just have an early dinner, and watch Jonathon Trott bat and by 9 pm,  you'll be sleeping like a baby. If you are a chronic Insomnia case, then 20 minutes of Shivnaraine Chanderpaul's batting should make you sleep like a log.   Rohit Sharma, and Ravinder Jadeja have objected to this as it may eat up into their pub timings and that they may have to rely heavily on "happy hours".

Munaf Patel would be the least affected. Even if he sleepwalks on the field in the night matches, no one would notice it.   He does the same in the day matches too and we have called it his bowling run up.

POST # 9: SLAPGATE -II

                      


Spare a thought  for Vinod Kambli. Everytime he works so hard to rake  up some controversy, someone or other steals the thunder from him. This time the culprit was not  a cricketer. Not even a person associated with cricket but a person called Harvinder Singh, whose free swing of the hand was disturbed by Union minister of Agriculture  Sharad Pawar’s cheek and this has triggered off a major controversy among  the cricket lovers and the supporters of Pawar. Since Sharad Pawar also dons the hat as a chief of ICC (International Cricket Council), the ICC suspected some cricketing "hand" in the incident.  Prime suspects were Vinod Kambli and Harbhajan Singh as Pawar had recently rubbished Kambli’s  allegations of match fixing as "irresponsible" and  Harbhajan Singh as he was the star of Slapgate-I, wherein Sreesanth, like Pawar had the swaying palm of another Singh resting firmly on his cheek.

We were informed that ICC had constituted a high powered committee to investigate into the involvement of some cricketers in the incident. The committee met at an undisclosed location and later concluded  that the cricketers couldn’t be the masterminds of the Slapgate-II and gave them a clean chit. We managed to get a couple of pages of the Report and some of the brilliant findings in the report are leaked exclusively hereinbelow.

Vinod Kambli’s past and the present made a strong case for his innocence. Harvinder was successful in his endeavour, and  anything involving Vinod Kambli was bound to fail.   Secondly, Kambli could not have masterminded it, for the simple reason that it would have taken the focus away from his match fixing allegation which has given him more fame than his jewellery, hairstyles, french beard,  sunscreen and his carribean flair put together have not. Thirdly, if Kambli was involved, then Harwinder would have cried on the television.

Another person who escaped of the net of suspicion of ICC was Harbhajan and that too because of his horrible form with the ball. Has anything thrown or bowled by Bhajji, in the recent past, has ever fallen in the right spot?

If it was the horrible form of Bhajji which did the trick for him, it was Sehwag’s hand eye co-ordination and timing, that made him ‘baaizzat bari’. The clipping in the slow motion clearly disclosed that there was no hand-eye co-ordination and the timing on  part of Harvinder.  If Sehwag was behind this, then Harvinder's slap would come from the middle of the palm just like Sehwag’s shots come from the middle of the bat. The slap  took the outside edge of Harwinder's palm. (this finding was given despite there being no Snickometer in the vicinity).

Rahul Dravid just could not have masterminded   something like this, because if he had done so, then he would have had to coach Harwinder for days together, that too with high degree of concentration and intensity. Even Sreesanth would not have volunteered to offer his cheek  as a target for practice, even if he was offered a permanent place in the test team.

Sachin Tendulkar was not even considered a suspect as the event of such magnitude had no "number 100"  associated with it.

Harvinder Singh’s attempt was crude and his reach was not at all graceful and as such no box could be ticked against Laxman’s name thereby resulting in an exoneration for him.And also because Laxman comes into his own only when the guy oppsite him is an australian.

Yuvraj Singh was zeoed down by the investigation committee, as the action of Harvinder  pointed a strong needle of suspicion towards Yuvraj and why not?.  Harvinder, like Yuvraj  flashed, hard did the job without connecting it well, and had an aggessive body language. What saved  Yuvraj was his shit footwork which he demonstrates so often while at the crease. The investigating team thought that if Yuvraj was the brain behind this, then Harvinder just wouldn’t be able to demonstrate such an excellent footwork.

Munaf Patel walked free because he is Munaf Patel. The only "Pawar" Munaf knew was Ramesh Powar! 

POST # 8: TWO LOVE STORIES & THE EDEN GARDENS

The South African cricketer Andre Nel got married during the cricket series against the West Indies in 2003 and took the team bus to go directly to the chapel. After the Kotla test, Harbhajan Singh was praying that Ravichandran Ashwin, would do the same and take the team bus  to the venue of the wedding and then further for his honeymoon so that he (Harbhajan) could make a comeback in the Indian team. In fact Bhajji even offered  to drive Ashwin down to the Wedding venue. Ashwin refused,  and  after the wedding, he  joined the Indian team immediately before the Eden Garden test match  - also joining the distinguished company of Sir Donald Bradman who did  something like this in 1932, when he married Jessie Bradman.

The Indian team did to the visiting English team what Karan Thapar does to the guests on his chat show. India also crushed the West Indies team convincingly in back to back test matches. The most shocking scene was the empty stands at the Eden gardens which has triggered off a debate if there is an overdose of cricket. Just a few meters away from the stadium, four men were seen having an animated discussion, who were unanimous in saying  that it could not  be an overdose of cricket that has resulted in empty stands! A closer look revealed that the four gentlemen were Uday Chopra, Fardeen Khan, Harman Baweja and Tushar Kapoor! Said Harman " When the theatres are empty during our movies , you blame it on our performance...Why can't the media blame it on an overdose of films?...At least it would be an incentive for our families to produce more films." 
Some reports in the media said there were only 20,000 people in the stadium. Others said the figure was 200 including the players, support staff, media, and the commentators.

To address to the issue of thin attendance, BCCI decided that test matches will be shifted to smaller venues. Now for some number crunching.The Eden Gardens,Kolkatta  has an official capacity of approximately 1.10 lakhs spectators which means the entire population of Grenada would fit into the the stadium! Now if the venue is shifted to a smaller town having a stadium of 20,000 capacity, then the number of spectators would remain the same (assuming there were only 20,000 spectators at the Eden gardens) except that the stadium would look full. But then its the BCCI logic, which is like a plot of a Manmohan Desai film, neither of which you should ever question.

We hear BCCI has a few more ideas on how to get the crowds back  to the test matches:


1. Karan Johar and Raj kumar Hirani will be roped in to market the Test match cricket. Karan is proposing to focus on the Pathan brothers, Irfan and Yousuf,  with a tagline..."Its all about loving your family".  This is likely to get the housewives to the stadium.
Rajkumar Hirani will have a promo on the lines of 3 idiots featuring Praveen kumar, R. Vinay kumar and Munaf Patel. Somewhere in Aligarh, Piyush Chawla was seen kicking himself for missing this golden opportunity.

2. There will be spectator prizes everytime the one of them manage to catch the ball in the stands.  Harbhajan will be recalled to the test side so that the batsmen get enough opprtunities to hit the ball into the crowds and generate some T20 type excitement.

3. Free effigies of Vinod Kambli will be distributed in the stadium in the wake of statements he has made about the match fixing recently.

4. Free cellphone talktime of Rs 50/- to every spectator, for everytime Ravi Shastri says "that went like a tracer bullet"

5. As entertainment between sessions, there will be a game of darts, with a life size cut out of Greg Chappell as a dartboard.

6. An option for the spectators,to shift from the regular stands to enclosures having deck beds for taking a nap. (this facility will be provided only during Shivnaraine Chanderpaul's stay at the crease).

Coming back to R. Ashwin, we're informed that the team wanted him to spend his honeymoon at the Eden Gardens itself and the Indian batsmen took it upon themselves to bat till the second day, so that R. Ashwin gets to spend some  special moments with his wife. Sehwag almost spoilt the couple's party by returning to the pavillion early and Gambhir added to the disturbance by following Sehwag . The reliable duo of Dravid -Laxman batted and batted and  ensured that Ashwin and his newly wed wife weren't disturbed.
While Ravichandran Ashwin romanced his dulhan, VVS laxman continued his romance with the beautiful Eden gardens with his 17th test century and his 5th  at the same venue!

POST # 7: THE FAST AND THE SPURIOUS

    


Duncan Fletcher , the team India coach, asked for BCCI's permission to take Munaf Patel, R. Vinay Kumar and Praveen Kumar to the Buddh International Centre in Greater Noida which will host the  inaugural Formula One Indian grand Prix with a pious hope that speeds of over 325 kmph will excite Munaf & Co and inspire them to bowl fast.  The moment Munaf entered the circuit, he asked "Pitch kahan hai?" Vinay Kumar was excited to see the 5 kms track spread over 800 odd acres as he felt that with such a huge ground noone would be able to hit him for sixes. Duncan roared, " this is a F1 track  ...not a cricket ground". Indian pacers were never quick.  The spin quartet of Bedi, Chandrashekhar, Prasanna and Venkatraghvan would annhilate the helpless opposition who would be clueless about playing quality spin bowling after the pace bowlers were used to only take the shine off the ball.  Just like there is nothing called "a patient knock by Virender Sehwag", there wasn't anything called the  " Indian Fast bowling attack" . Bowlers like Karsan Ghavri, Madan Lal, Roger Binny would,today, make R. Vinaykumar look like Dennis Lillie!

In the year, 1978,  Kapil Dev, burst on to the scene, and made an accomplished Pakistan batsman replace his cap with a helmet. In those days wearing a helmet while facing the Indian pacers was like wearing thermal wear to brave the Goan winter.  Thanks to Kapil Dev, people could dare to put two disparate set of terms "Indian' and "fast bowling attack" in one sentence!   What Kapil did to the spin era was what Amitabh Bacchan did to the Rajesh khanna era with "Zanjeer".   Since Kapil would be a bad advertisement for a toothpaste, they made him endorse a shaving cream and his "palmolive da jawaab nahi" in his voice meant no music company would ask him cut a Music album a la Sanjay Manjrekar.

Kapil Dev's protege Chetan Sharma showed great promise. The English press  called him "CHEATan" Sharma as they thought,  a bowler who lacked height could only generate pace by chucking. Chetan Sharma was solely responsible for making Pakistan cricket team a super power in Sharjah. Years after Javed Miandad hit a last ball six to Chetan Sharma, "Sharjah Haar jaa" became a Indian Cricket team jingle in Sharjah!. Chetan Sharma is now seen in the TV studios analysing the matches wearing hideous combinations of shirts,ties and jackets in Psychedelic colours prompting the viewers to turn their TV sets off.  Pakistan was lucky he didn't wear those colours, that fateful evening in Sharjah  else  Miandad would have been blinded and India would've won easily.   Raju Kulkarni, the Bombay speedster, always remained the oldest newcomer and perhaps didn't get his due!

Pace academies churned out pacerss for India starting from Vivek Razdan, Javagal Srinath and Venkatesh Prasad. The only sign of speed Vivek Razdan showed was when he quickly went out of the Indian cricket team. If Dwayne Bravo has got the best disguised slower ball in the business then Venkatesh Prasad had only slow delieveries in his repertoire. Sometimes he surprised himself with a faster delivery. Ultra slow motion technology which we see today is inspired by Prasad's bowling.  The only time Prasad was really fast was when he returned back to the Pavillion after.getting dismissed cheaply!

When God was distributing cricketing brains, Javagal Sreenath and Ajit  Agarkar were sharing an Idli Sambhar behind the Chinnaswamy stadium. How do you explain two scorching yorkers and as many  fulltosses down the leg side and that too in  one over?   In between there were bowlers like Atul Wassan, Salil Ankola, B. Arun, D Ganesh, L. Balaji who went out of the team just the way the ball goes out of Kamran Akmal's gloves.  Atul Wassan was so fast that he was the first to be at the dinner table after the team meeting.

Manoj Prabhakar though lacked the express pace, he was the finest exponent of the  slower ball, swing bowling and swear words (not necessarily in that order) which were mostly in hindi.  L.Balaji was a bigger hit in Pakistan than Ghulam Ali.  If  Zaheer Khan is  the best left arm pace bowler today then  Ashish Nehra is  the best toothy left arm pacer in the world!!. Ishant Sharma and Sreesanth look ferocious only when they are not bowling. Irfan Pathan would be an ideal brand ambassador for automobile braking systems .From 140kmph to 80 kmph within no time!
 India never had tearaway fasts, like Pakistan.   Pakistan  has more fast bowlers than  CNBC TV 18 has pretty anchors.

I met Sehwag, and i asked him "isn't it sad that we don't have a single quick bowler who can do 155 kmph?"  Pat came the reply from Sehwag "Irfan Pathan does 160 kmph almost everyday".   I said where?  "In Yousuf Pathan's BMW!"   I quickly left from there!!

POST # 6: THE COMMENTARY BOX

Mohinder Amarnath the "Comeback King" of Indian cricket is a national selector now!! Remember, the same Mohinder, two decades back, called the selectors "bunch of jokers"? Now Ajit Agarkar, Vinod Kambli fancy their chances of making a comebak into the Indian team. Its an occassion for the Indian cricket fans to celebrate as Mohinder won't torment them as a commentator and as an analyst in those post match studio discussions. But we will miss his pronunciations. For him Rahul Dravid was Rahul "Dray vid". Its like a David with a "R".  Mohinder"s gems like "India has 5 bowler" will be sorely missed!

The Indian commentary box has had a quite a few characters. Who can forget Dr. Narottam Puri, the Harsha Bhogle of yesteryears with his inimitable style, "i don't think he'll stop it, he doesn't" when the ball raced past the boundary and the mild and cheerful Fredun de Vitre was a treat to the ears!

Ravi Chaturvedi and Sushil Doshi were the Kasparov and Karapov of the hindi commentary. The nasal tone of Ravi Chaturvedi when he said "kitne acche fielder hai Azharrrrrr.." would today, make Himesh Reshammiya' turn green with envy. Thank god music lovers had some taste, those days, else Ravi Chaturvedi would have cut his own music album.

Sushil Doshi was the only hindi commentator who often forgot he was on Television and not on Radio.
His radio commentary on television was amazing. His "cover or long off ke beech se nikaala...seedhe boundary ke baahar, chaar runnnnn" in one breath, was the original inspiration for Shankar Mahadevan's "Breathless".

Those days, there were only two lines which had an impact on Indians.  One was "main tumhare bacche ki maa banewali hoo"with  screen villains Ranjit and Shakti Kapoor at the receiving end of that line and the other was  "bhaagyashaali rahe balle ka baahri  kinara nahi liya" by Sushil Doshi to a ball which was 2 kilometeres from the outer edge of the bat!!

 The live telecast of 1984 Benson and Hedges cup in Australia, had greats like Ian chappell, Richie Benaud, Bill Lawry as the commentators and with Stump microphones, replays in  different angles, made the normal Doordarshan viewer drool like a Walt Disney character!

When Richie Benaud said "hep shu lit lee shoe pub"  it took an Indian viewer quite some time to understand that he actually meant "Absolutely superb"!

Harsha Bhogle, the best thing to    happen to Indian cricket apart from  the Prudential World cup 1983, took the cricket commentary in India to another level. Who else could come up with gems like this;    " the only time Sachin does not get a standing ovation is when he gets out of bed".   Said he  about Malinga's yorkers "If you want to design a missile , design it on malinga...bang on target".

Ravi Shastri's comments "that went like a tracer bullet" and "that's what the doctor ordered" are as frquent as Kamran Akmal's dropped catches! Will someone tell Sunil Gavaskar that his oft repeated comment "VVS Laxman stands for very very special" has nothing special in it? In the last season of IPL, said Gavaskar  about Jaidev Unadkat, the wiry pace   bowler    from    KKR   "put some moustache on him and he'll look like Vekatpathy Raju".   It seems poor Unadkat lost his confidence after that.

For Sunny bhai, Sachin can do no wrong!  If you have seen  Brett lee bowling to Sachin, the ball hitting the ouside edge of Sachin's bat, and the bat turning in his hands, the ball taking  the outside edge of the bat and going for a four and Sachin  beaten all ends up, then its the fault of your "nazar".  You have to witness it through Gavaskar's "nazariya". "Look at sachin, very intelligent batting, that was deliberate. watch how Sachin loosens his right hand so as to keep the ball down. Very intelligent." Actually its very intelligent on your part Sunnybhai!!

Navjyot Singh Siddhu, can single handedly beat Harsha Bhogle, Cyrus Broacha and Shekhar Suman together when it comes to non stop talking (not necessarily sense)! His lines like "the pitch is senile and as dead as a dodo"  and Siddhuisms like "as poor as the church's mouse"are as predictable as Agarkar's full tosses in the slog overs! Siddhu's matching turbans and ties have more variety than his comments!!

The run out specialist, Sanjay Manjrekar's commentary is as good as his technique of running between the wickets. Sometimes when you get tired of laughing at Munaf Patel's bowling you should listen to  Sanjay Manjrekar's commentary. Many years back, the West indian fast bowler Winston Benjamin bowled a bouncer at him and cut his upper lip.  Indian cricket lovers would have loved it if Benjamin had aimed an inch lower. At least the cricket lovers would be spared of his commentary!

POST # 5. FILMY "CHUCKER"

 

"Controversially Yours" the autobiography of Shoaib Akhtar the  world's fastest "chucker",  was released a few days back.    The autobiography,  is in English!!  And that by itself is a biggest controversy!  Shoaib writing in english is like Curtly Ambrose singing a Ghazal.   Sometimes, retired, forgotten ex cricketers need to show others and reassure themselves that they are still around.  Income tax sleuths do not raid them, beautiful and famous women do not accuse them and even bookies do not name them in match fixing scandals!! It is in these circumstances that the name of Sachin Tendulkar comes into play!    The easiest way Shoaib could get some publicity for his book  was by using  time tested method of taking potshots at Sachin Tendulkar   It has advantages which are two-fold. (a) People know you exist and (b) Sachin Tendulkar is not exactly a god when it comes to giving it back! And perhaps that's the reason Shoaib chose Sachin and not Saurav Ganguly!!


Instead of taking  Sachin on ,  "chucker"  should have written the book himself in his trademark  english, co- authored by Shahid Afridi and with a foreword by Inzamam ul haq!!  Hot cakes would have disappeared like Shoaib's book!   Now that Inzamam ul haq has retired from international cricket, the entertainment has gone out of the post- match presentation ceremonies!   During the World cup in West Indies, Inzy was asked in a TV interview about the death of  the then Pakistan coach Bob Woolmer;  Inzy  said   "Everybody's shocking", which even left  the Jamaican police shocked !!   We will always miss you..... Inzamam ul Haq!!   Whenever Michael Holding called upon Inzy for the post match interview by addressing him as "Inzomaan ool hawk" , it was a moment to die for!!

Cricket lovers had a ray of hope, when Shahid Afridi was the captain of the pakistani cricket team!!    Golden era returned with the post match presentation ceremonies and people put their beer cans down to listen to Afridi's english!      Sadly, after Afridi  faded into oblivion we were robbed of that pleasure too!     Ask Afridi the first question, and his answer would be "first of all i thanks the mighty allah."!!.  Memories of Shoaib's special lines like "when i runs fast, i bowls fast" loaded with a Salman Khan accent  or the BBC interview in which he said we pitch the "shorts" balls  would make Kapil Dev sound like Harsha Bhogle!! With lines like these who needs Sachin for publicity?

Few years back, Sanjay Manjrekar (remember him?),  said timings of Sachin's injuries were dubious suggesting that Sachin faked his injuries!! After Sanjay Manjrekar's career ended he did many things to torment us like cutting his own music album , tried his hand at comedy which he called commentary and make such statements about Sachin's injuries else who would remember him?

Taking up cudgels for his ex teammate, Shahid Afridi said that  once, when he was fielding at square leg, he had seen Sachin "trembling" ,while facing ShoaibAkhtar!   More than the batsmen, the square leg umpires were the ones who  feared for their lives considering how Shoaib strayed down the leg side!! Shoaib saying that Sachin was trembling while facing him is like Manoj Bajpai saying that Amitabh Bacchan was trembilng while acting with him!!   In fact, Rameez Raja, Harsha Bhogle, Ravi Shastri & co. trembled while controlling their laughter on TV cameras when Shahid Afridi came up for the post match presentation ceremony!!  Even thed IPL franchisees trembled at the thought of bidding for Afridi & co.in their teams!! Even Joginder Sharma is prefered over Afridi by the teams at the IPL!

We asked Sehwag about Shoaib's comments on Sachin, and he replied in his charecteristic style, "Jab khelta tha to phekne ki aadat thi. khelna band kiya phir bhi phekta hai'.!!

POST # 4. JADU TERI NAZAR

The last couple of weeks have been very eventful in the cricketing circles.  The news of BCCI terminating the contract of IPL franchisee Kochi Tuskers Kerala (KTK) made the fans of T20 jump with joy a la Principal Weatherbee from Archie comics when Archie fails to turn up at the Riverdale High.   Like Principal Weatherbee, the T20 fans celebrated, also by doing a cartwheel.   The reason was that the fans would have a  Jadu-free IPL, season 5.  (Ravinder  Jadeja is called "Jadu" in Jamnagar,the place he hails from) . Unlike how Sehwag used to be called "Najafgarh ka Tendulkar" , no one calls Ravinder Jadeja, "Jadu from Jamnagar" even in Jamnagar!!   But so what? we'll call him that!

 Before the fans could complete the celebrations and land on their feet after the cartwheel, the BCCI dropped a bomb that all the players of KTK would be rehabilitated, which meant the ghost of Jadu would still haunt us!!

Ask any member of the team what is more painful? Watching Chanderpaul bat for hours or Ravinder Jadeja's presence,and ten out of eleven players  would say it was Jadeja's presence and the only player who would differ would be Jadu himself!

Jadeja has made more comebacks to the Indian team than Mohinder Amarnath and Ajit Agarkar put together.  The speciality of Jadu contributing to his team's defeat is unparalleled and one which could be seen in 2010 T20 world cup where his bowling cost us the cup. In fact, when Jadeja comes in to bowl the lives of the spectators at the stadia are in  grave danger with ball travelling in the stands as frequently as Madhuri travels from US to India !!

When the new BCCI chief   N. Sreenivasan said that all   KTK  players would be rehabilitated, he had a glint of mischief in his eyes and a  smile which he was trying to conceal between his third and the fourth chin ( his double chin has a double chin you see)!! Sreenivasan was trying to control his laughter  at the prospect of making Jadu play in any other team except his  CSK which meant Dhoni, Raina,  & co. could have some batting practice in the matches itself  which would free them from net practie time and spend the valuable time  endorsing various products.

Other teams may avoid Jadu, but there is a team, Jadu would not like to be a part of and that is Pune Warriors. Our mole in the team informs us that whatever reasons Jadu may cite but he doesn't like the Pune team as their cheergirls wear the indian attire and Jadu prefers the phirang babes and the western outfits.

There is a conspiracy brewing amongst the teams and the teams are undivided in opinion over keeping our Jadu out. But knowing Jadu, he has already set his 'nazar' on the remaining teams and going by the previous experience of making  comebacks into the Indian team again and again, we are sure Jadu, is going to return with a vengeance.

For Jadu to qualify in the RCB team he is supposed to beat Chris Gayle at Arm wrestling which would be as uncommon as Kangana Ranaut receiving a national award for acting. With kings XI punjab, Jadu will be given an ardeous task of running 100 meters before hugging  Preity zinta.  With the experienced Piyush Chawla around you think anyone stands a chance to hug Preity?   This is all Piyush has been doing in IPL, isn't it?

Close sources inform us that Jadu stands a little or no chance of making it into the Delhi Daredevils (DD)team. It so happened that, in the last season of IPL, a scribe asked Sehwag whether he was  in the race for an Orange cap  (For the uninitiated, orange cap is awarded to the batsman who scores the highest runs in the IPL tournament);  to which Sehwag replied "Orange cap? What's the big deal? All players from KTK wear an orange cap, including idiots like  Jadeja".   Jadu who had come near  the DD "dug out" to have a closer look at the DD cheergirls heard what Sehwag said. Later, Sreesanth translated it for him and Jadu was so furious that he vowed never to play for DD even if he was  bought by them at the auction or play under the captaincy of Sehwag. Now there is a public demand to make Sehwag the team India captain so that the people will be ensured of  Jadeja free Team India!

The other teams are coming up with novel ways to keep Jadu away from entering their teams.

Kolkatta Knight Riders (KKR) are having a 3 question  entrance test for Jadu. Question no. 1: Name the passenger liner which rammed into an iceberg on its maiden voyage?. If Jadu answers it correctly as "Titanic" then comes the 2nd question: How many people were on board the Titanic?. If Jadu gets even this right and says 2223 then comes the 3rd question:  Name all  2223 people on board the Titanic. This is cruel on your part Shahrukh!! Even RA-one would not be able to answer that but we are not complaining!!

The other teams are brainstorming on how to keep Jadu out and  the moment we get to know their plans we will publish it here! Watch this space!!

POST #3 AND THE AWARD GOES TO......

Dhoni lead Indian cricket team gave a complete miss to the most prestigious annual cricketing function- the ICC Awards; which  sparked a new controversy in the cricketing circles!

A fuming Haroon Lorgat, the CEO of ICC blamed the BCCI for not ensuring Team India's attendance. Our sources add that Haroon Lorgat was expecting the Indian contingent to be present in full strength to cheer the already jaded Indian cricket team. Once the crowd realised that the Indian team was not attending the awards function, they quietly started leaving the hall, much to the embarrassment of Mr.Lorgat.

With hardly any people in the hall, it resembled a cinema hall where a Uday Chopra movie was running! In fact, with such a kind of hostile reaction from the crowd, we are told,  Mr. Lorgat himself started looking like Uday Chopra!

Haroon Lorgat looked as angry as Suneil Shetty usually does when his screen sister is kidnapped by the screen goons. He said it's a 'shame' that the Indian cricket team did not attend such a function!! Now Mr. Lorgat if non-attendance is a shame, then what is 4-0 whitewash at the hands of English cricket team?

Mr.Lorgat being originally from India, should have done well to remember that one has to appease the Indian cricket team and the management to make such an event  successful.  Remember what happened to the World Cup in West Indies when India bowed out in the early stages of the tournament?  In fact that year, people were so disappointed that they decided to forget their sorrows by doing something more painful! That is....watch a Tusshar Kapoor movie!! Indian fans made a beeline at the theatres for Tusshar's movie, and his films made a brisk business for a change!

With the kind of English Tour India has had for the past two months, it was a foregone conclusion that hardly any Indian team cricketers would win an award!  But win they did! The ICC 'Spirit Of Cricket Award' was lapped up by Dhoni for recalling Ian Bell at Trent Bridge after he was given out by the umpires!!. Of course, another consolation for India was Sachin Tendulkar being the only Indian cricketer to find a place in ICC Test XI of the year.

Mr Lorgat's ICC, hold your breath, appointed  Kumar Sangakara as the captain and the wicketkeeper of the ICC Test XI, when he doesn't perform both the duties for Sri Lanka!  And Mr.Nasseer Hussain, you thought  there are a couple of donkeys only in the Indian team?

Here are a few suggestions of new categories of awards for Mr.Haroon Lorgat and his team at ICC if they want team India to attend such functions:

1. The ICC Award for the best cricketer for 'SPIRIT' before and after the game: Rohit Sharma may just lose this one to Yuvraj Singh or Jesse Ryder as his broken finger cannot allow him to hold his drink properly...

2. The Best Spinner with a Fast Bowling Action: All three nominations will be from India- 1) R.Vinay Kumar  2) Munaf Patel 3) Praveen Kumar

The jury members for this award would be: 1) Venkatesh Prasad 2) Madan Lal, and 3) Mohinder Amarnath.

3. Cricketer who is Opposition's Delight: Harbhajan Singh for giving so much batting practice to the English Cricket Team in the test matches itself  that they could skip the net practice and go partying in their spare time! In fact Bell & Peterson Co. went into depression when Harbhajan was sent home.

4. The Player with the Worst Injury: Nominations are 1) Gautam Gambhir 2) Zaheer Khan 3) Sachin Tendulkar 4) Rohit Sharma and 5) Harbhajan Singh.

    Gambhir had a concussion after he had a fall and had a blurred vision which made him mistake Sreesanth for Michael Holding and on this count itself he would beat the other contenders!

5. Fastest Bowler ever to run on the field with drink bottles  without playing a single match: There are 5 nominations and would you believe, all from India?: 1) Varun Aaron  2) Varun Aaron 3) Varun Aaron 4) Varun Aaron  5) Varun Aaron

The winner in the above category will be announced by the Chairman of the Selection Committee, K. Srikanth, after online and SMS Voting and this winner is going to be the surprise package of the event!

Please try these categories Mr. Haroon Lorgat....  Even Lalit Modi won't be able to come up with such a recipe for success!! ;)

POST # 2 CRICKI LEAKS

The team india coach Duncan Fletcher refused the media from entering the stadium where the Indian cricket team was having its net practice. The speculations were set at rest when we learnt  that Duncan had a brilliant masterplan  on the lines of  Operation Jugaad to stop the English juggernaut!   Despite the heavy security and Duncan guarding his masterplan, like Chanderpaul guarding his wicket, we managed to sneak in. We managed to get this juicy bit leaked to us  and since it would get lost in the Mayawati - Assange leaks, and their verbal duel, we decided to publish it exclusively here with a little delay. The way  team India is playing, Mayawati's footwear is bound to make more news than the footwork of the Indian batsmen which was displayed in abundance when they walked back to the pavillion!

After the thrashing recived by the Indian cricket tem at the hands of English team, Duncky had no option but to think out of the box else the BCCI threatened him of  replacing him with  Mohinder Amarnath, as the  team India coach despite the fact that he does not even know how to use a laptop!! This would be like replacing Katrina Kaif with Poonam Pandey!  And this seems to have prompted Duncky to come up with this bizzare masterplan.

The strategy of Prof. Duncan is  to confuse the English cricket team with the little known attributes of our players. Duncan calls the trio of Munaf-Praveen-Vinay,  the 150 kmph club. The reason being that the aggregate bowling speed of the pace trio  is 150 kmph as opposed to Varun Aaron's  tearaway pace of 151 kmph. Now you know why Aaron is not selected?  According to Duncan, Vinay Kumar's pace will be the surprise packet. Now, if  you call Vinay Kumar, a fast bowler, then Tusshar Kapoor is  Leonardo Di Caprio!! The ploy is to give Vinay Kumar the new ball and confuse the English Batsmen. How? With his fastest delivery being slower than Shane Warne's flipper, Alaistair Cook will be confused whether to hit him for a four or a six! On the other hand, Keiswetter will be at his wit's end whether to clobber Vinay Kumar out of the ground or out of the stadium. Now the plot thickens here. There would be a mini contest among the english batsman to see who has the maximum distance hit and this dilemma could result in couple of wickets in the powerplay itself.  Amazing Duncan!

Munaf Patel could be the second joker in the pack. (no pun intended). It seems after Jonty Rhodes was appointed as a fielding coach by the Mumbai Indians, he managed to reform everybody and raise their fitness and agility including that of  team owner Mukesh Ambani. (Haven't we seen how swiftly Mukesh bhai jumped from the chair to cheer when Tendulkar hit a boundary in IPL-4?) Of course Nita ben signalled him when to cheer and when not to!  We are told that Mukesh bhai's cricketing knowledge is as good as Michael Holding's Urdu!

 Jonty has not been able to award the "Rhodes' scholarship to Munaf as he just refuses to improve. Don't we remember   Munaf  busy  chatting with the support staff when the entire team was doing the victoy lap after we won the 2011 World cup?  Duncan has this ace up his sleeveless sweater. The moment Munaf runs in to bowl, he can only evoke one reaction-Laughter!!. Imagine Ravi Bopara and Ian Bell hurting their jaws laughing at the leisurely  run up of Munaf which would make Vajpayee faster than Usain Bolt! Apart from hurting their jaws, laughing at this sight, there is every possibility of their jaws getting locked in the helmet visors which may rule them out of the next fixture. And if we get lucky the English batsmen may even get abdominal cramps holding their tummies laughing at Munaf!!.  Brilliant Duncan sir! Just too good!

In fact, Duncan also replaced, all the tracks from Munaf's i-pod with one track, "Bhag DK Bose", from Delhi Belly and made him play it  in a  continuous mode and Munaf has been asked not to believe  Amir khan when he says DK Bose is just a name. Munaf has beeen specifically advised not to search for the real meaning in the song  but to listen to the track.   Duncan is confident that this "Bose DK" track is bound to improve Munaf and would help him to run in faster!!  Rahul Dravid will be introduced as a pinch hitter. This would be like  Shyam Benegal doing a Dabaang with Om puri as Chulbul Pandey.  In fact the three succesive sixes  he hit in one over  in his debut T20 match has taken his overall international tally of sixes,  to 5. This piece of statistics comes from our statistician, who was returning from Mallya's late night party and readers are advised to check the record books.  Ravinder Jadeja has not been given a special brief but has been asked to be himself fielding close-in.  The looks of Jadeja would  by itself   act as an irritant for the english batsmen thereby resulting in lapses in concentration! Duncan you are a dada!!

By the time the 5th ODI is played Dhoni, Viraat, Ashwin would abandon the tour citing injuries to prepare themselves for The Champions Trophy.  Ajinkya Rahane is likely to be the captain, Parthiv the wicketkeeper, Joginder Sharma would get a recall and may spearhead the bowling attack and team India's fastest bowler Varun Aaron would be running on the field with drinks bottles!!  Duncan you are fabulous!!

POST #1 THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN

The India England Test Match series was lost by India much before it even started. When a guy  like Andrew Strauss says Greame Swann is the best spinner in the world and  Greame Swan in turn says, England  will white wash India 4-0, the least the India think tank could do was to retaliate by saying that Joginder Sharma is the fastest bowler in the world and Abhinav Mukund is the next Brian Lara! This would have made Ian bell lose his form, Andrew Strauss his head, Stuart Broad his famous temper and Kevin Pieterson his appetite.

Here’s a closer look at the extraordinary gentlemen in the Indian Cricket team who have handed out the No. 1 test team status to England and who have made the likes of Greame Swann and Ian Botham, the modern day Nostradamuses.

Abhinav Mukund :  Abhinav  disappears from the  crease faster than a Harman Baweja movie disappeares from the theatres.  Of course his  two 40+ innings in West Indies have ensured  that  his  aggregate  stay at the crease is longer  than international career of Atul Wassan!  His comment ‘it’s difficult to replace Sehwag’ would make Congress replace Digvijay Singh. With the absence  of Sehwag and Gambhir in West Indies, atleast he got noticed walking out  to bat  with Murali Vijay by his side. Had he done that with Sehwag or Gambhir, he’d realise how Abhishek feels when he walks the red carpet with Aishwaya at the Film festivals.

Rahul Dravid: Despite scoring three centuries, could not even save a single match for India. His dismissal in the 2^nd innings at Lord’s, caught by Matt Prior fishing outside the off stump was a shocker!! So shocked was Matt Prior, he rubbed his eyes in disbelief with his wicketkeeping gloves on and had a minor eye injury and was a doubtful starter for the next test! Dravid and fishing outside the off stump? But then all great men make mistakes. Hasn’t Naseeruddin Shah done a “Tridev”?

VVS Laxman: Magical, mostly against Australia,  failed  to fire in the series. The only good part  about Laxman failing is that one does  not get  to hear Gavaskar’s  oft repeated line,  “VVS stands  for  “very very special”. In fact he’s said it more times than Ravi Shastri’s line “that went like a tracer bullet”!!

Suresh Raina: One century in a losing cause. Hasn’t shown big stage temperament. Had the audacity  to tweet, “ I  am safe” ( referring  to the riots)  wherein  actual  reason, we are told  that it was because  Chris Tremlett was ruled  out of the series!!

Yuvraj Singh: When it comes to injuries he is only second to Jackie Chan, now that Ajit Agarkar is not playing. He has single handedly made leaving the ball outside the off stump a dying art!! A few kilos more and you wouldn’t be able to tell Yuvi from his Pune Warriors team mate Jesse Ryder!!

Sachin Tendulkar: has not been able to get a century at Lord’s where even Ajit Agarkar has scored one and the century  of centuries still eludes him. Harsha Bhogle ,once said about Sachin, “the only time he doesn’t get a standing ovation is when he gets out of bed”.  Two more series like this and he would get standing ovation only when he gets out of bed.  His  dismissal at Edgbaston would make Abhinav Mukund look like Brian Lara. He  proved his detractors wrong when he got out for 91 in the last test match. Now no one can say India loses when Sachin scores a century. Now he’s proved that India can lose even when he misses his century!!

M.S.Dhoni: Till sometime before the English tour, MSD didn’t know what  failure  meant just  the way Tusshar Kapoor  doesn’t know even today, what success means. After losing 4 matches on the trot, Uday Chopra, Bobby Deol and Tusshar Kapoor are friends with Dhoni on facebook.

Gautam  Gambhir : Makes a long face everytime  he gets out. Remember  the mix up with Yuvi and the run –out that followed in World Cup 2011 match  against Pakistan ? When Ambati Rayadu of Mumbai Indians whacked  Laxmipathy Balaji of Kolkatta Knight Riders for  a last  ball six in IPL-4, the long  face, made, everyone mistake him for Pakistani cricketer Umar Gul!!

Harbhajan Singh: As a commentator Wasim Akram  may say “ their” instead  of “there. But so what? Doesn’t Ranjit  Fernando say “ v-cut” instead of “wicket” and “ cri-cut” instead of “cricket”?  But  his comment  asking to drop Harbhajan Singh would make even Greig Chappell’s toxic comments sound like Mohinder Amarnath’s!!  Wasim has done  a great service to our nation. Harbhajan would not get a turn even on our potholed  roads. In fact,our sources add that going by Harbhajan’s form  even  Anderson  and Bresnan were fancying their chances to score double hundreds!!

S.Sreesanth: Mamooty of Indian Cricket!!  Unfortunately for India, he looks  ferocious only when he walks up  to his  bowling  mark  and in  the dressing room. Better remembered for Misbah’s catch in the inaugural T20 finals, and the jig he performed after hitting Andre Neil over the boundary. Also a pace bowler!! He can bowl more wides and no balls in a series than Mcgrath has bowled in his lifetime.

Virender Sehwag: If Munaf Patel has a body language  problem, Sehwag has a  language problem.  We are told, that when coach Duncan Fletcher   said at the team meeting,  that Indian pace attack needs to have more teeth, Sehwag replied, “if teeth is all you want then  we should  recall Ashish Nehra and not of R P Singh”. Half the Indian team fell off their chairs laughing and that seems to be the real cause for the injuries. Munaf did not understand a word and survived and is now fit to play and get hammered!! ;)