Post # 30 : 2013 - THE LIGHTER SIDE OF INDIAN CRICKET

India lose a bilateral series to Pakistan 2-1.  
Rahul Dravid, India's  finest no.3 batsman gets the no.3 Civilian award.- Padmabhushan.


Mumbai Indians buy Glen Maxwell for $ 1million in IPL auctions. And later on  the Aston Martin and finally the media.

MS Dhoni scores a double century against Australia at Chennai.
Mohinder Amarnath disconnects his cable TV connection.

Cheteshwar Pujara scores a double century against Australia at Hyderabad. 
Dhoni becomes the most successful Indian captain with his 22nd Test win.
Mohinder Amarnath smashes his TV this time.

Virendar Sehwag loses his hair and subsequently his place in the team
.
Christopher Martin Jenkins, Jaywant Lele,  Rusy Surti. RIP

Shikhar Dhawan scores the fastest century on debut. 
After his miserable performance on the South African wickets, Darryll Cullinan would go on to call him "a flat track bully" 

(pic courtesy:deccanchronicle.com)

Chris Gayle scores 175 not out against Pune Warriors in IPL 2013 . Later appeares in a deoderant commercial urging viewers to 'score more'.

Sreesanth, is charged with spot fixing in IPL 2013. 
What is surprising is that he isn't accused of  cruelty after the investigations reveal what he had gifted his girlfriend. 
 A Blackberry.

Few years back Gautam Gambhir liked driving Malinga through the covers.
 2013 saw him 'like' the photograph of Dinda on Facebook.

Mumbai Indians win their maiden IPL title under the captaincy of Rohit Sharma. 
Gavaskar continues to praise Tendulkar.

India win the Champions trophy against England.  Morgan and Bopara get dismissed at crucial junctures by Ishant Sharma. 
Morgan and Bopara contemplate retirement.

Arun Lal  messes up the presentation ceremony of the Tri series finals and forgets to announce winners.
Massive manhunt is on for the person who decided to send him for the presentation.
.
Arvind Kejriwal announces broom as the party symbol after India sweeps Zimbabwe 5-0, under the makeshift captain and Delhi boy Virat Kohli.

Mumbai Indians win the Champions League trophy under the captaincy of Rohit Sharma. Sachin and Dravid play their last T20 matches. Gavaskar says Sachin is a great player for the 4578th time in 2013 alone.

Virat Kohli scores the fastest ODI centuy  by an Indian-off just 52 balls.

He also turned 25 this year.  One of the rare occassions when he has something less than 50 against his name.

Pune Warriors is ousted from the IPL by BCCI for non payment of the bank guarantee which means Ashoke Dinda will play for some other team. HELP!!.

Rohit Sharma becomes the only 3rd player in the world to score a double hundred in ODIs. Twitterati look for  other options to laugh at.

Azhar is offered  a role as the batting coach of Jammu and Kashmir.  Heard he was confident of fixing their batting woes.

Star Sports India made everyone speak in Hindi...except Allan Wilkins maybe.

Sachin announces retirement. Scores 74 in his last Test innings.
Everyone in India suddenly realised the opposition is a team called West Indies.


(pic courtesy:cricket-cup.blogspot.com)

Sachin  bids an emotional farewell.  Perhaps for the last time, Vinod Kambli feels shit about himself.

Bharat Ratna creates history. Gets Sachin Tendulkar this time.


Nepal qualify for the 2014 T20 World cup. Your neighbourhood watchman celebrates.

India win the ODI series against the West Indies. Shikhar Dhawan scores his 5th century of the year. Poonam Pandey says she will sport a moustache.

Quinton de Kock annhilates India with 3 centuries in as many matches. 
Anjum Chopra becomes the first cricket analyst to refer De Kock as "Quinton".

South Africa create history in the first Test match against India in Johannesburg. For the first time in  history, they don't lose after choking.  They manage a draw.

The images of the cracks at the WACA pitch during the 3rd Test match will haunt the cricket lovers for a long time.


(Pic courtesy: bbc.com)

Though Indian cricket fans are familiar with a similar surface

.

(Pic courtesy: The Telegraph)



Jacques Kallis announces retirement and scores his 45th Test match hundred in his farewell Test. There was more crowd when Rohit and Shami made their debut in India.

Stuart Binny gets selected for the New Zealand tour. For the first time he is not in news on account of Mayanti Langer.

Happy New Year to you all. Cheers.

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Not intended to be derisive. Not all comments are real. Fun intended.

No outrage please.

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POST #29: BCCI ATTEMPTS TO INVITE BERMUDA, CANADA TO ENABLE SACHIN TO SCORE HEAVILY IN HIS 200th TEST MATCH.

Sachin Tendulkar's dipping form, and his recovery from surgery has created enough doubts in the minds of the cricket fans whether he will actually be able to get big runs on the tour of South Africa facing Dale Steyn &co

The BCCI (Board of Control for Cricket in India) on the other hand has left no stone unturned to ensure that Sachin gets to play his 200th Test Match in India and what's more, get some big scores too by squeezing in the India -West indies series to be played in India.

Before choosing a weaker West Indies bowling attack, we learnt that BCCI had pondered over other options too.

First,the BCCI prevailed upon ICC to award Bermuda a Test match status so that they could play a series against India which may have allowed Sachin to get to the ever elusive Test score of 300 and above.

BCCI had  also ensured that the portly Dwayne Leverock resigned from international cricket as they didn't want Leverock to display that sporadic brilliance when he caught Robin Uthhappa in that World Cup 2007 match.

Pic courtesy:i.telegraph.uk

Also under consideration was elevation of Team Canada to a Test Status. With names like Ashish Bagai and Balaji Rao would make Sachin extremely comfortable as if he was playing in Ranji and maybe score some big runs.

There have been mixed reactions to this announcement of the series against the West Indies with some  die hard Sachin fans saying this entire exercise would be a blot on the illustrious career of Sachin. 

On the other hand an ex official of the CBFS (Cricketers' Benefit Fund Series) in Sharjah said that this is a novel way of granting a benefit match for a player who is still playing and it may start a  whole  trend worldwide.

Meanwhile the fans of Lata Mangueshkar in  Mumbai staged a "dharna" outside the Yashraj Films Studios shouting slogans against Aditya Chopra for dropping Latadidi from "Jab Tak hai Jaan". The delegation also urged Aditya Chopra to take a leaf out of the BCCI's book and ask Rohit Shetty to make a film to enable Lata to sing in the background when the Boleros and Scorpios get blown away.

To express outrage, fans of Lata made effigies of Aditya Chopra and Uday Chopra and burnt the effigy of the former. However, the fans decided not to burn the effigy of Uday Chopra as they thought that his  unburnt effigy had a potential of creating more damage.

Pic courtesy:www.satic.ibnlive.in.com

MNS (Maharashtra Navnirman Sena) is demanding that Sachin's 200th Test match be played in Mumbai at the Wankhede and not at the Motera or the Eden Gardens. There was news that the MNS chief Shri Raj Thackrey had demanded 1000 free  tickets to his workers. 

Nidhi Razdan condemned this act by Raj Thackrey and went on to break it on the Prime time that her channel had information that MNS were offering  20% discount on stadium tickets to the  locals. She alleged discrimination and said that why MNS was demanding discounts only for the locals when Sachin had fans all over the country.

Later it was discovered  that the discount of 20% which was offered, was actually by the clothing giant M&S (Marks and Spencer) and not MNS.

Nidhi Razdan was not available for comments as she was busy preparing for a chat show against Modi.

This post was published  with minor changes by "The Unreal Times" 

  http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2013/09/11/bcci-invites-bermuda-canada-to-play-against-india-so-sachin-scores-heavily-in-farewell-series/

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Not intended to be derisive. Comments are not real. Fun intended.

No outrage please.

Post # 28:Parents of school kids panic on inclusion of Wasim Akram in the English commentary team

(This post was written for "The Unreal Times" and was published on June 12, 2013)

Like a Rohit Sharma innings, every summer vacation comes to an end just when you start enjoying it the most. Even as school kids reluctantly drag themselves to school with the same enthusiasm that Munaf Patel exhibits while marking his run up, parents are grappling with a far bigger headache: Wasim Akram’s English commentary for the ongoing Champion’s Trophy and its pernicious effect on their children’s life-long struggle to gain mastery over the English language.

Worried mothers have shot off letters to the Star Cricket broadcasting team, raising grave concerns over the repercussions of Akram’s commentary on their children’s linguistic skills. Speaking to The UnReal Times, a disturbed father of one school kid from Delhi said, “Struggling to speak in English as opposed to Hinglish is one thing, now kids will ape Wasim as well, who commands great influence over impressionable Indians. After all, he has more fans in Mumbai than in all of Pakistan.”

He recounted an incident in which Akram, during commentary, meant to say that the youngsters in the Indian team should put their hands up and be counted but ended up saying “If I was in their place, I would say ‘Hands up’” instead. A teacher from one of Mumbai’s prestigious schools showed us the answer sheets of her students, with answers such as “3 orange” and “5 apple”. She said that the students insisted that it was correct usage since they have often heard the former fast bowler say, “Pakistan is playing with 4 fast bowler (sic)”. On condition of anonymity, a parent from Hyderabad said that his kids have started spelling “here” as “hair” and “there” as “their”, arguing that this is the way Wasim bhai pronounces it.

To compound matters, Wasim has also forayed into the world of mathematics with comments like “three overs to go, after this two” leading to deteriorating arithmetic skills in fourth-graders. A delegation of parents has already approached the channel bosses who have agreed to shift Wasim to the time-slot when children are studying or sleeping, much like the directive of the Ministry of Information and Broadcasting to broadcast the movie “The Dirty Picture” during the 11pm slot.  In the interim, they have said that they have no alternative but to lock their children in their bedrooms while Wasim is on air.  Kapil Dev’s post-match analysis in Hindi has ensured strict curfews as well, with children being put to sleep since Kapil always speaks in English when he is asked any questions in Hindi, the sources added.

Meanwhile, the sales of TV sets with “channel locks” have shot up to record levels, said a beaming TV dealer in Delhi.