POST #18: DUMMY'S GUIDE TO BE A WANNABE IPL 2012 FAN

As I write this piece, IPL 2012 is into the 24th day and the 36th match. Dinners are planned around matches; jersey clad friends get together to cheer their respective teams. Saying "I don't watch IPL" is as outdated as Rameez Raja's hairstyle. After I started this blog, lot of my hardcore cricket loving friends have turned into football lovers and some of them have been moving around with tranquilizer darts to defend themselves from me and cricket. The newly formed Government in Goa has declared Football as the State game. In this background it would only be fair that we enlighten poor misguided souls with this dummy's guide to be a wannabe IPL 2012 fan:

First things first. Do not say anything against Tendulkar. You should also remember that Tendulkar is not the captain of Mumbai Indians, Bhajji is. Even if you feel that Tendulkar has been asked by Nita bhabhi to hand over the captaincy in view of Bhajji winning the Champions League Trophy, then please remain quiet. Sachin will up the ante during the match whereas Bhajji, as pointed out on Twitter, will up the aunty after the match.

If you see a bowler walking up to the bowling mark like the coolies who went to collect their daily wages in the blockbuster "Deewar", then make no mistake, that is Munaf Patel of the Mumbai Indians. It requires only 17 muscles to smile and 43 to frown and years back Munaf couldn't identify those 17. After being coached by none other than Jonty Rhodes, Munaf flexed his biceps to compel the umpires to refer a decision against Sangakara upstairs and his behaviour in this IPL has been such that noone misses Sreesanth. Munaf has been paying the price for this – literally. The other day Sehwag asked him how he was and he said "I am fined".

Contrary to rumours, the Volkswagen Vento you see on TV will be awarded to the most valuable player of the year and not for the person who can make Dale Steyn smile.  

Brad Hogg and Brad Hodge have not been created as a result of spelling mistakes, but are two different cricketers, both playing for the Rajasthan Royals. 



Courtesy : www.daylife.com

Robin Utthappa of Pune warriors is the only wicketkeeper in the IPL who hides his wicket-keeping pads inside his trousers. Don’t be confused when you see Kumar Sangakara in a similar fashion - it only means he has entrusted his job to Parthiv Patel so that he can be near Daniel Christian when he bowls the last over. 

Ashish Nehra on the other hand makes no effort at concealing his toothy grin. That the Pune Warriors had their teething problems with Nehra against the Royal Challengers, is altogether a different story.

Irfan Pathan and Yousuf Pathan play for Delhi and Kolkata respectively and there isn't a Reliance type situation between the two brothers. There is a third Pathan as well - Asad - who plays for RCB. 

It may be illegal to drink and drive in Pune, but with Jesse Ryder its different. He can drink and cover drive. And his favourite shot is not the tequila. 

Four important winners for Kings XI Punjab are Gilchrist, Shaun Marsh and Preity Zinta's dimples. The person you see running to hug the gorgeous gal when others win matches for Punjab is Piyush Chawla. 

The ammunition which the Kolkata Knight Riders have is amazing - McCullum, Gambhir, Pathan, Bisla, Kallis. The only problem is that this ammunition blows into Shah Rukh Khan's face. 

Its....DIZZA PEE....means Danny Morrison shouting from the commentary box  "the ball has disappeared". And if you have mastered that you must be a fool not to understand that  "Its a Kharrrrrbbbbkhhhmmmmaalcash" means  "Its a Karbon Kamaal Catch" in Danny Morrison’s orgasmic style. 

"Free Hit" refers to an extra delivery the batsman gets after the bowler bowls a 'no ball’ and has nothing to do with Shah Rukh Khan slapping Shirish Kunder.

Chris Gayle's six broke the nose of a young spectator in the stand. That does not mean Gayle will do a "nose job" on his fellow teammate Cheteshwar Pujara which is long overdue.

The midwicket stand is the most dangerous place to sit for a spectator when Suresh Raina bats. If Sehwag is batting, then no place in the stadium is safe.

DLF Maximum is a term used in IPL for every six that is hit and the IPL sponsors DLF love it when Piyush Chawla bowls. Spectators are requested to carry their own helmets in the stadium when Piyush Chawla bowls as the ball is likely to land in the stands most of the times. For the same reason its dangerous to park your cars in the stadium parking lot. For the same reason, Chawla and Nehra are likely to be named as brand ambassadors for DLF. 

Any ongoing cricket match is a disturbance between the two Strategic time outs for the people sitting in the VIP lounges.

Keep watching this space for more!

POST #17 : WHAT EXACTLY IS GREG CHAPPELL SUFFERING FROM?



Courtsey : http://images.idiva.com

Greg Chappell, the former Australian player and former team India coach needed attention; but this time not of the medical kind. This time, he wanted to market his book  'Fierce Focus'.  Chappell knew that his  book would have less takers than Google Plus (+). His marketing tactic, therefore, was a tirade against Indian Culture and Cricket.

 

To put things in the right perspective, Greg Chappell gave an instance of the infamous 'underarm delivery' which he asked his brother Trevor Chappell to bowl in 1981 to rob New Zealand of what could have been a sensational last ball victory. He said he was the true exponent of Australian culture - cheat, deceive, chuck cricketing spirit in the nearest drain - but do not allow the opponent to win! He said that any Indian in his place would be stupid enough to bowl a fair delivery and  that is what he means by 'not taking responsibility'! He further advocated his point by saying that the incident of Javed Miandad raising his bat on Dennis Lillee after Lillee kicked Miandad, showed what he meant by aggressive cricket.

Chappell, in the recent past, has demonstrated this kind of behaviour when he runs out of his Foster’s, when his psychiatrist is on a sabbatical,  when he exhausts his antipsychotic pills,  when he sees the Indian tricolour or the BCCI logo, or simply a photograph of  Saurav Ganguly smashing through the off side.  During this phase he has called Ganguly, a 'panicker' and Sachin, 'mentally fragile'.

Courtsey: bleacherreport.net

The Global Council of Psychiatrists (the cricketing chapter) has recognised this disease* as Paranoid Schizophrenia 'INDIANA' in which the subject shows great hostility to anything good that happens to the Indian Cricket team . Here's how the disease profile looks:

*Courtesy: Insanity and its Manifestations, (with a special reference to Cricket)
A Text-book by Mr. M.A.D. Shrink, 509th Edition 

- The Munnabhai MBBS University of Distance Education.

Courtsey: www.idiva.com

Name of the disease: Paranoid Schizophrenia 'Indiana'

Incidence:  #Greater in certain pockets of Australia, also Rawalpindi in  Pakistan

# Higher incidence especially among those who have been associated with Indian cricket as opponents, failed Indian coaches,etc.

#Greater incidence of the disease is reported in post  cricket matches, wherein India emerges victorious

#Peak incidence seen in the immediate period post-Sachin's centuries and Indian victories in major tournaments.

Risk factors: Sublime form of the Indian cricket team (most important). An acute exacerbation may be precipitated while being interviewed by the media. Failure in past-life as an Indian coach and the low self esteem arising out of a recent rejection  by Cricket Australia may make the subject upto 5 times more susceptible.

Symptoms: 

a) A psychosomatic perception of an abdominal colic (sometimes accompanied by a generalised burning sensation and pale face)  on seeing Indian players perform well in cricket tournaments.   A pseudo-sense of painful anal obstruction following the purple patch of senior players and especially  after Sachin Tendulkar's centuries.

b) Homicidal tendency reported towards the replacing object such as the next coach of Team India. (Gary Kirsten)

c) Symptoms of mood disturbance, volatility of emotions (mostly seen when  India is on the brink of a famous victory or when Tendulkar is in  90s)

d) Flight of ideas, loosening of association, incoherence of speech, irrelevant talk such as mixing leadership issues with Indian culture.

e) Hallucinations:   

1. auditory: eg "Shame on you,Chap!" (often followed by a roaring laughter) 

2. visual: Imagines being stripped on a cricket ground, finds his face painted black in the mirror reflection, images of BCCI officials all around.

 f) Feeling of worthlessness, hopelessness and helplessness compensated in 99.99% of the cases by a  baseless accusation or degradation/defamation of the opponent or their skills

 g) Eliminating all possible evidence of self-failure and that of grandeur of the inciting object- eg. tearing of newspapers carrying pictures of the victorious Indian team, Sachin Tendulkar, etc.

 h) A violent hysterical outburst on seeing objects such as the Indian tricolour, on hearing the Indian national anthem etc.

Duration of illness: An acute attack may be controlled with the help of specially formulated antipsychotic drugs. However, the disease exhibits 'iceberg phenomenon', and as such may exist in a subclinical or a chronic form in between the periods of the exacerbation. 

A below-the-mark performance of the Indian team, failure of the senior Indian cricketers, retirement of legends like Ganguly, Dravid, often serve as relieving factors and are known to contribute in the well being of the seriously affected patient.

Complications: Depression, insomnia, excessive talking, lack of appetite, temporary blinding immediately after an Indian victory in a cricket match, desperation and writing autobiographies.

Treatment: A) Preventive measures : 

# Removal of any colour combination which resembles the Indian tricolour from the patient's room  

# Ensuring that no person with name 'Sachin' visits the patient

# Strict ban on media interactions in any form

# Avoiding Bengali food. Hilsa fish a strict no-no

# Destroying all Saurav Ganguly photographs

B) Curative measures- Drug Treatment with Antipsychotics:  1.Tab. Muhkaalazine 13mg thrice a day  
2.Tab.Egobustol  500mg daily with breakfast  and 5 tablets STAT to terminate an acute attack. (Note: 5 times higher dose may be required on the day after India win a cricket match).

Prognosis: Poor. May be improved with active rehabilitation of the patient, or by 'occupational therapy'- for example, by re-appointing the patient as the Team India coach.

POST # 16 :HOW SLOW IS SACHIN TENDULKAR?

Dhoni calling Sachin and Sehwag, "slow" in the field hasn't gone down well with Sehwag. Sehwag is not the only person who is livid. There has been tremendous criticism around the world against Dhoni. 

In India, Venkatesh Prasad, who has been an inspiration for developing ultra slow motion technology has been in dissentful disagreement with Dhoni.  Prasad, in an elaborate and slow explanation (as if to drive home the point) emphasizes that Sachin does not possess any of his own characteristics, and as such he just can't be slow. Anti-speed demons like Madan Lal and Mohinder Amarnath have also rubbished Dhoni's statement. 

FOVK , a club with membership of 6 people, including family, coach and friends of Vinay Kumar (no prizes for guessing the expansion of the acronym) have alleged foul play in branding Sachin “slow” as their idol Vinay Kumar has toiled hard to snatch the "slow' tag from the likes of Irfan and Munaf. 

In a press note released the club members have stated that there cannot be anyone slower in the field than Vinay Kumar. As an illustration, they demonstrated that the Vinay Kumar delivery reaches the batsman long after he completes his follow through. As empirical evidence they reiterated the fact that Vinay Kumar played both games in which Dhoni was handed a one match for the slow over rate.

Sanjay Manjrekar, perhaps the greatest cricketer after Sir Don Bradman, (now a  commentator), and perhaps the slowest living being to have moved between the wickets ever, also dismissed Dhoni's claims at a recently held press conference. Details however are not known as no one turned up at the said press conference. The media representatives reasoned with us by saying that least when Manjrekar is on Television, one can use the mute button.

Picture courtesy: topnews.in

Steve Bucknor, the former West Indian umpire, has alleged conspiracy in this whole issue of calling Sachin slow. According to him team India is trying to get back at him for those horrendous decisions given by him against them. He said that he was the rightful owner of the “slow death” tag for in the time he took to raise his finger, Ram Gopal Verma used to complete a film and announce another.

Prof. Dhoni, on the other hand has claimed to have based his allegation on some deep research and has stood by his reasoning despite the criticism. His reasoning is:

1. Suresh Kalmadi has been in and out  of Jail and Sachin still remains on 99. In the meanwhile, even Ashwin has scored an international hundred.

2. Sachin hasn't even been able to score a century at Lord's for all these years. What is significant is that even a batsman like Agarkar has one at the Lord's. What's the point in scoring 99 centuries when you can't score one in the Mecca of cricket?

3. Sachin has scored 204 runs in only 2 one day internationals he played in 2010. In one innings he scored 4 and in the other, he scored.......never mind...let's go to the 4th point.

4. Joginder Sharma has played more international T20s than Sachin. Joginder has played 4 International T20s and Sachin has played only one. Moral of the story: Sachin is slower than Joginder. 

5. Even off the pitch, Sachin has been slow in reacting to digs against him by cricketing giants like Manjrekar. He hasn’t even reacted to charges of ball tampering till now.

6. Sachin is stuck with just cricket whereas legends like Atul Wassan  and Maninder Singh haved moved on to commentary, umpiring etc.

This information was leaked to us by the young cricketers in the team, initially on the condition of anonymity. Later on, they called us to say that they had dropped the condition. "In any case even if Duncan finds out, it really doesn't matter...he doesn't even know our names.” said the young Indian cricketers.